You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
