I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out