Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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