just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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