I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
