I could make wine with my vomit
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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