Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
