My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
