im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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