Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
