Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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