you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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