dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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