You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
