i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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