she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
