I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
