upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
