Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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