Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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