Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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