Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
