I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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