my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
