I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
