So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I think I just sharted jello shots
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
