Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
