he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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