So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
