I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
