And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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