Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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