Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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