I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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