one might say we're banned from that church
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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