You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
