I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
