My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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