the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
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It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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