Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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