I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket