It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Not as such, no.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
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It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
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you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?