Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.