this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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