you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
