I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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