Someone shit on the floor
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
