Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
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One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
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I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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