The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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