Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Rumble strips road head = magical
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
