Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
