how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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