Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
