Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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