Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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