it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
