Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
