remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
