so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
