Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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