i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
